Exit

Do you believe in signs? I do. I've always asked for them when I'm not sure what to do. Or even when I am sure. Always.

I asked for a sign about my relationship. I asked for one every day. And you know what? I totally got one every day. In the form of avoidance and lies. Distance. Reservation. They were backwards, but they were still signs. And somehow, I didn't think this was obvious enough. I ignored what God, or the universe, or... what HE was telling me.

There were so many signs. I asked for them, but wasn't really looking for them. Now I see.

So after all this, I've resolved to keep my eyes open. To go where the wind blows me, if you will.

A couple weeks ago, I began pondering the idea of moving home to save money for grad school, or wherever I end up going. That day, my doorbell rang. It was a man, who asked me if anyone in my complex happened to be renting out their condo. Aha! The slap in the face I needed!

...Actually, I think at this point maybe God was trying to comment on my inability to recognize subtlety in the ways of the world.

But anyway, I knew if I didn't rent my condo to this guy, I may never find my true path in life. Done deal. Him and his wife are moving in next month.

And me? Selling all my stuff. Downsizing in a major way. In a few months, I might get into school. Or I might just start traveling and not come back. But either way, I won't be sorry I gave up my home and my belongings. It's what was supposed to happen.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop

Pillowtalk

This might sound a little scandalous, but it's innocent, I promise.

I love bed time. I love being cozy in my bed. PJ's. Reading, or doing a crossword puzzle. And most of the time... I really love sharing my bed.

Yeah, that's the part I knew you would think was scandalous.

But really, it's just nice to share the whole bed time experience with someone- regardless of whether they're a platonic or romantic friend. I love to share my favorite bed time book- Eloise in the Plaza. Or take turns reading the words of my dear friends Mr. Cummings or Ms. Browning. Just talk and be warm.

Rudy (or Rudolfo the Pooh), my aunt's jack russel/pug/chihuahua, spent last weekend with me. I let him sleep in my bed. He gets as close to me as possible, then curls up like a potato bug and doesn't move all night. It's so endearing, and helped take the edge off of the loneliness. This is his bed time picture. He loves blankets, being warm, and cuddling, just like me.

I've always been a terrible sleeper- I just lay there and worry. I think sometimes it helps to just have someone there, to know someone is at peace in my presence. It inspires me to calm down and sleep, myself.

That's what I'm missing most right now. I'd like to say goodnight to someone.

Excess

Excess weight comes in many forms. It's found on the body. Or in a home filled with things- a bookshelf that needs to be filtered through, an extra chair that crowds the room. It's found in the form of a person who lets you give all of your love, time, promises, yet withholds theirs.
It starts to build up. Time flies by, and suddenly you realize you've gained 30 pounds, acquired clutter, and spent years giving priority to people who are emotionally unavailable. A life full of things that keep you occupied, but don't actually fulfill.
These situations don't just occur on their own. They happen when you don't want to believe what's actually going on. You have to recognize the signs and deal with them early on. Cut your calories after you gain the first couple pounds. Clean out your closet. Say goodbye after the first promise is not kept. That's the easy way.
When you don't accept it in the beginning, it's just your own fault for letting it happen. Excess weight doesn't go away by itself- you have to make the decision. And at that point, all you can do is go forward. Learn how to avoid the same mistakes next time.

2 months ago I began giving away my clothes and counting my calories. Today I am 10 pounds lighter, not counting the clothes I got rid of.
In another month or two I will have no excess weight left, in any form.
Although I might keep my hair long.

Mirrors

My best friend is visiting from San Fransisco. Since she moved, we've gone as much as a whole year without seeing each other. When we do, though, it's like she never left. True friendships really do stand the test of time and distance. We discussed our appearances a lot, and as she regaled me with her stories of weight gain and loss, hair colors and cuts, I realized she's never looked any different to me- just beautiful.
I saw an old voice teacher a couple days ago, and the connection we once had was so broken that I hardly recognized her. It was like the time I spent with her never even happened- I'd spent far more time repairing the emotional damage from that relationship than reaping the benefits of what she taught me. After two years of reflection and growth on my part, she looked like a completely different person to me.
Do your visual perceptions of people change as your relationships do? Mine certainly do, in a big way. As I grow to love someone, their flaws slowly disappear, and they just simply look beautiful to me. It works the other way too though- sometimes what I once saw as beautiful turns into a flaw. Lovely blond hair suddenly looks too bright, merely a distraction from more meaningful subjects.
There is someone in my life who I feel has stopped seeing my beauty. They glide over my joy and consistently arrive at my mistakes, my negativity. As I continue spending more and more time with this person, I wonder if I'll begin to see myself in that way. I don't know if it's just a stage they're going through, or if I'm merely being too sensitive. Or, if it's true and does in fact continue, will it cause me to lose my love for myself?
There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with people who love you. Make sure they really do see you in a positive light, because it's easy to start to see their image as your own reflection.

Solitaire

I've lived all by myself for over one year now.
I adore it.
As of next week, I will no longer be living alone. It's a good thing for both parties involved, but I must say how important I think it is for every individual to live by themselves at some point in their lives.
Over the last year, I've come to one great realization- I actually enjoy my own company. Because, well, I'm awesome. One or two nights a week, I cook myself a nice dinner, drink a glass of wine, and enjoy a romantic comedy with myself. Sometimes, if I drink enough wine, I'll just wander around the condo as if it's my palace. I'm the proud owner of many ball gowns, and play dress up more often than you might think a 25-year-old would.
It's the little things I love, too- like right now I'm sitting on my bed in my underpants, eating cheese. And yes, drinking wine. Again. Can I still do these things when there is someone here to witness them? Will they just judge me for consuming too much cheese and wine? And never wearing pants?
I think maybe that's where many co-habitations take a wrong turn- one or all parties feel like they need to hide their true colors to appear normal. We all know that ship has already sailed for me, so I figure why not just let it all hang out?
I've basically decided that, besides closing the door when I pee now, I'm just going to own it.

You want to live with me? Then you better be ready to live with me! Bring it.