Bucket

I'm on the verge of some sort of major life change. Problem is, I don't know what it's going to be. And all of my possibilities revolve around other people's opinions on what I should do with my life. It's exciting... but maddening.

So, instead of waiting around to hear from all these other people, I've decided it's finally time to make my list. My daisy pushing list, we'll call it. Buckets, my auntie says, are just not very ladylike.

I've only included non career or family oriented goals- only things I can organize myself. Now that I've started this list, I find it so silly that I didn't do it sooner! Why wouldn't I start doing everything I've always wanted to? Isn't that really the whole point in living, in the first place?

Now. It's the perfect time.

I'll track my progress on my blog- and if any of you help me accomplish one of these things, you get cookie. Or a kiss.


So here it is, so far:

*Live in a foreign country (France may actually be a real possibility for me in the near future, so that's convenient.)

*Learn how to speak a 2nd language fluently

*Study wine at a vineyard for at least one summer

*Perform significant role in a straight play or film

*Be content with my weight

*Form sketch comedy troupe

*Own pink bike (the old fashioned kind, with a basket)

*Write something people will want to read

*Live by the sea

*Go on road trip with no plans at all (like, a long one)

*Complete major piano work(s)

*Meet a giraffe and elephant (in the wild, not at the zoo)

*Make a croquembouche (don't know what that is? Look it up- they're incredible. Then help me eat it, because I'm not really much of a sweet tooth. Silly, I know.)

*Go on a sailing trip

*Experience New York City at Christmastime

*Race a car

*Go to a ball (a real one!)

*Take a bath with all my friends (Yes! We'll need a very large tub, obviously, a bunch of rubber duckies, and a hell of a lot of bubbles. I think it's totally doable.)




So what do you think? Anyone want to pitch in? Tell me what's on your list!

My army

It's Thanksgiving.

Brutal truth: if you'd asked me one month ago where I thought I'd be today, I would have told you I'd be warm and cozy with my partner, planning a wedding.

I'm not.

We don't need to get into why today, because that's not what today is about. It's about taking stock in the beautiful things your life is filled with, not the ugly. So here's the thing I'm most thankful for- as soon as I made my decision about my relationship, an entire army of friends and family rushed to my side. They offered everything from hugs and kind words to bottles of vodka. But the most important offering was the thing that every one of them said- you did the right thing.

I did the right thing.

Not one person questioned my decision, or even asked me to think twice about it. They gave me the constant, unwavering support that helped me understand there would be something amazing waiting for me on the other side of this experience. Without them, I think I could have easily slipped back into a life that wasn't mine.

So on Thanksgiving, I'm calling out to those of you who have been standing next to me this last month. You know who you are. Today, you are what I'm thankful for. And I'm going to show you how thankful I am by living the life I was meant to live. Moving, no- running forward, and not looking back.

"The world is round
and the place which may seem like the end
may also be only the beginning."
~Ivy Baker Priest

Pillowtalk

This might sound a little scandalous, but it's innocent, I promise.

I love bed time. I love being cozy in my bed. PJ's. Reading, or doing a crossword puzzle. And most of the time... I really love sharing my bed.

Yeah, that's the part I knew you would think was scandalous.

But really, it's just nice to share the whole bed time experience with someone- regardless of whether they're a platonic or romantic friend. I love to share my favorite bed time book- Eloise in the Plaza. Or take turns reading the words of my dear friends Mr. Cummings or Ms. Browning. Just talk and be warm.

Rudy (or Rudolfo the Pooh), my aunt's jack russel/pug/chihuahua, spent last weekend with me. I let him sleep in my bed. He gets as close to me as possible, then curls up like a potato bug and doesn't move all night. It's so endearing, and helped take the edge off of the loneliness. This is his bed time picture. He loves blankets, being warm, and cuddling, just like me.

I've always been a terrible sleeper- I just lay there and worry. I think sometimes it helps to just have someone there, to know someone is at peace in my presence. It inspires me to calm down and sleep, myself.

That's what I'm missing most right now. I'd like to say goodnight to someone.

Mirrors

My best friend is visiting from San Fransisco. Since she moved, we've gone as much as a whole year without seeing each other. When we do, though, it's like she never left. True friendships really do stand the test of time and distance. We discussed our appearances a lot, and as she regaled me with her stories of weight gain and loss, hair colors and cuts, I realized she's never looked any different to me- just beautiful.
I saw an old voice teacher a couple days ago, and the connection we once had was so broken that I hardly recognized her. It was like the time I spent with her never even happened- I'd spent far more time repairing the emotional damage from that relationship than reaping the benefits of what she taught me. After two years of reflection and growth on my part, she looked like a completely different person to me.
Do your visual perceptions of people change as your relationships do? Mine certainly do, in a big way. As I grow to love someone, their flaws slowly disappear, and they just simply look beautiful to me. It works the other way too though- sometimes what I once saw as beautiful turns into a flaw. Lovely blond hair suddenly looks too bright, merely a distraction from more meaningful subjects.
There is someone in my life who I feel has stopped seeing my beauty. They glide over my joy and consistently arrive at my mistakes, my negativity. As I continue spending more and more time with this person, I wonder if I'll begin to see myself in that way. I don't know if it's just a stage they're going through, or if I'm merely being too sensitive. Or, if it's true and does in fact continue, will it cause me to lose my love for myself?
There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with people who love you. Make sure they really do see you in a positive light, because it's easy to start to see their image as your own reflection.

Solitaire

I've lived all by myself for over one year now.
I adore it.
As of next week, I will no longer be living alone. It's a good thing for both parties involved, but I must say how important I think it is for every individual to live by themselves at some point in their lives.
Over the last year, I've come to one great realization- I actually enjoy my own company. Because, well, I'm awesome. One or two nights a week, I cook myself a nice dinner, drink a glass of wine, and enjoy a romantic comedy with myself. Sometimes, if I drink enough wine, I'll just wander around the condo as if it's my palace. I'm the proud owner of many ball gowns, and play dress up more often than you might think a 25-year-old would.
It's the little things I love, too- like right now I'm sitting on my bed in my underpants, eating cheese. And yes, drinking wine. Again. Can I still do these things when there is someone here to witness them? Will they just judge me for consuming too much cheese and wine? And never wearing pants?
I think maybe that's where many co-habitations take a wrong turn- one or all parties feel like they need to hide their true colors to appear normal. We all know that ship has already sailed for me, so I figure why not just let it all hang out?
I've basically decided that, besides closing the door when I pee now, I'm just going to own it.

You want to live with me? Then you better be ready to live with me! Bring it.