Friday, April 15, 2011


Guess what?! In a couple months, I get to go here:

Yep! Playa del Carmen, just south of Cancun. I'll be singing for Opera Maya for the first couple weeks of June. I get to sing one of my arias with orchestra for FOUR different gala concerts. Do you realize what that means?
Well sure, it means an awesome experience. I'll learn so much. And it'll be super fun. But do you realize what else this means?


Yes! The dresses! Oh, the dresses. One of my greatest joys in life. If I could wear ball gowns every day, I totally would. I joke about it all the time- wearing my gowns to the grocery store, walking the dog. But in all seriousness, I see it as the ultimate feminist movement: being amazing at what I do, and wearing gorgeous gowns to set it off. What man can do that?

Given the fact that I have no money right now, and am about to spend more money I don't have on this program, I'll obviously be digging through my closet and maybe hitting Nordstrom Rack. But just for now, I figured I might as well draft up a list of front runners for if I did find some money. A sort of fantasy dress league, if you will.
So here we go:

First up, a little nod to my destination! Aidan Mattox. Can't you picture it? A warm night in the Caribbean; I'll have a little glow from all the sunshine...

Next up, another Aidan Mattox. A little more traditional than I usually go for, but something about this one is just so elegant!

Just gorgeous. There is something so sexy about how natural this is- the color, the flow of it. BCBG:

Now, since this is indeed fantasy, we may as well go all the way. I've lusted after this dress ever since the final episode of Sex and the City. Here we are, Carrie's Versace mille-feuille gown (mille-feuille is a layered pastry). Rumor is this dress retailed at $79,000. But who's counting anymore. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to be completely surrounded by thousands of layers?! I love it.

Anyway, this is round one. There are a couple more I was going to post, but I'm sleepy and these decisions (fantasy or not) cannot be taken lightly

Let me know what you think! Feel free to add some suggestions as well! And while we're talking, tell me what your fantasy league would be... we've all got something. ;-)

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


I'm on the verge of some sort of major life change. Problem is, I don't know what it's going to be. And all of my possibilities revolve around other people's opinions on what I should do with my life. It's exciting... but maddening.

So, instead of waiting around to hear from all these other people, I've decided it's finally time to make my list. My daisy pushing list, we'll call it. Buckets, my auntie says, are just not very ladylike.

I've only included non career or family oriented goals- only things I can organize myself. Now that I've started this list, I find it so silly that I didn't do it sooner! Why wouldn't I start doing everything I've always wanted to? Isn't that really the whole point in living, in the first place?

Now. It's the perfect time.

I'll track my progress on my blog- and if any of you help me accomplish one of these things, you get cookie. Or a kiss.

So here it is, so far:

*Live in a foreign country (France may actually be a real possibility for me in the near future, so that's convenient.)

*Learn how to speak a 2nd language fluently

*Study wine at a vineyard for at least one summer

*Perform significant role in a straight play or film

*Be content with my weight

*Form sketch comedy troupe

*Own pink bike (the old fashioned kind, with a basket)

*Write something people will want to read

*Live by the sea

*Go on road trip with no plans at all (like, a long one)

*Complete major piano work(s)

*Meet a giraffe and elephant (in the wild, not at the zoo)

*Make a croquembouche (don't know what that is? Look it up- they're incredible. Then help me eat it, because I'm not really much of a sweet tooth. Silly, I know.)

*Go on a sailing trip

*Experience New York City at Christmastime

*Race a car

*Go to a ball (a real one!)

*Take a bath with all my friends (Yes! We'll need a very large tub, obviously, a bunch of rubber duckies, and a hell of a lot of bubbles. I think it's totally doable.)

So what do you think? Anyone want to pitch in? Tell me what's on your list!

Friday, December 31, 2010


I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I tend to start my resolutions as soon as they come to me, all throughout the year. The thing I love about New Year's, though, is the chance to count up all the experiences I gained and figure out which ones I'm ready to say goodbye to. A new year. Such a fantastic opportunity to decide what to keep and what to leave behind.
2010 felt like a long battle against everything and everyone. I worked way too hard, and while I got some great things to add to my resume, I upped my stress level and made a surprisingly little amount of money. I fought for a one way relationship for most of 2010. And then I suddenly realized, I shouldn't really have to fight for anything. I'm a motivated person, and if I want to do something, I do it... but I'm starting to understand that if there's that much resistance, it's probably not right.
I started my resolution a few months ago. I'm a spiritual person, and finally just let God and The Universe tell me what to do. I stopped fighting, and started listening. Once I did that, I started making decisions I'm proud of. I got out of what would have been the biggest mistake of my life. I opened up a whole world of possibilities for myself. The decisions I made were the hardest ones I've ever had to make, but I know now that they were right.
Last night, with my best friend in tow, I had a compass tattooed on my foot. Hidden inside it is a daisy, my favorite flower. A wildflower. My spirit, in it's truest form, is a wild one. I've given myself permission to celebrate who I really am, and trust that I'll get pointed in the right direction.
So. I learned a thousand lessons in 2010. I'm going to remember them, but have already let go of pretty much everything else. I have no idea what 2011 will bring, but I can't wait to find out. And whatever happens, I know I'll land on my feet.

Sunday, December 26, 2010


Aren't ghosts funny? You forget about them for a while, and then suddenly you're feeling all happy and fuzzy in your favorite hat and... smack, you're face to face with them. You look them straight in the eye, to say 'I'm not scared of you anymore, ghost,' and then pretend you never even saw them. But they know you did. They can tell.
Ghosts have all sorts of ways of trying to wedge their way into your life. Little reminders of their presence, just to make sure you don't forget. A pointless email. A little trinket left behind.
What can you do? No matter how many things you delete or throw away, there always seems to be something else. And even if you do manage to rid yourself of reminders, there's the chance they'll just decide to show their faces.
All you can do, really, is keep moving. Wash your face. Remember that you're actually okay. Don't let the ghosts know you noticed. And then hopefully they get bored after a while and move on, themselves.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

What not to do in the event of an "arctic freeze"

Mom and I sort of promised to not talk about this again. However, seeing as we are approaching what will most likely be a very cold winter (and the holidays), I feel like it's in everyone's best interest to share this story. Hopefully you'll learn something from it.

Christmas Day 2008. It had snowed for a few days, and then we got a layer of freezing rain on top of the snow. It was a mess. But my Oma and Auntie had spent all day preparing a roast, and we felt we ought to at least try to make it. To Milwaukie. From the West Hills.

Mistake #1: Dad says he thinks he can make it in the Audi. We have doubts, but go along with it anyway.

So me, Mom, Dad, and Rudolpho the Pooh all piled into the Audi. Before we made it to the end of our street, we heard a terrible scraping sound along the bottom of the car.

Mistake #2: Dad says it's probably nothing. Again, we have doubts, but go along with it anyway.

Half an hour later, we made it to Milwaukie. As Mom and I took Rudolpho the Pooh and all the presents inside, Dad inspected the car. He came inside a few minutes later and was like, yeah, the Audi's going to, uh, need to go into the shop. So I'm going to take it home now before it gets dark. Oma had just pulled the roast out of the oven. We had to stay.

Really, you're thinking? You don't understand- we're German. We had to stay. If there's a giant slab of meat, you stay. That's just the way it is.

Except Dad's not as German as Mom and I are. So he was like, I'm still going to go- you girls can get a cab home, right?

Mistake #3: We figure we better call Radio Cab and make a reservation just to be on the safe side. We do. They say they're not taking reservations, but to just call when we're ready and they'll come get us. Once again, we have doubts. But figure it will be just fine. Dad takes the Audi home.

We had our pot roast. Four German women and Rudolpho the Pooh. Around 9, I called Radio Cab back and asked them to send a car. They said it would be about an hour. No problem, we figured. And we started playing "Tick." Tick is a card game. It's a card game that, when you really just want to be home, becomes the longest and dullest game in the history of card games.

Mistake #4: We wait that hour. And then another hour.

I called Radio Cab again. Oh, you're next on the list. We were next on the list!!

We weren't next on the list.

It was midnight. On Christmas. I called Radio Cab (STUPID RADIO CAB) again. Oh... yeah, you're next on the list. I became, well, let's just say frustrated. I told Mr. Radio Cab that we'd been waiting for 3 hours and he better tell me the truth.
Um, you're in Milwaukie. Nobody's going to come out to Milwaukie right now.

So... in what I'm sure was a totally calm and rational voice, I explained to Mr. Radio Cab that he should have told me the truth when I'd called him that afternoon. And also, that he was a sucky person.

So Oma and Auntie suggested we just sleep on their couches. Neither my mom or I are very good sleepers, especially in other people's homes. We asked if they had any bourbon. No, but we have leftover roast, and could warm up some milk and play another game of Tick.

Mom gave me "the look." Kaiti, go get the phone book.

I did as I was told, and began calling every cab company in the book. They all said the same thing- none of their drivers would be willing to come out there.

And then I called Orange Cab. Not Yellow Cab, not Green Cab. Orange Cab. Ever heard of it? We hadn't either. But none of the more common colors were going to come get us. And... victory! Orange Cab said they'd come in half an hour! We waited 30 minutes. And you know what? They came exactly when they said they would.

Here's the car they brought:
It looked exactly like this. As in, no markings. Nothing that actually said Orange Cab. And two big Iranian men in suits got out.

Not exactly the cab experience we'd expected, but we really wanted to get home. And the roads were terrible, so maybe they had brought a different car than usual.

Mistake #5: We figure it's probably fine. Note: this story actually does turn out fine. But generally, this probably wasn't the best situation for us to put ourselves in. We really should have just crashed on the couches.

Anyway, we said our goodnights and gathered Rudolpho the Pooh. Our drivers didn't look pleased about Pooh, so I put him in his crate and set him in the back on top of a very nice Persian rug. There were Persian rugs on every floor in the car. As soon as we were on our way, Mom called Dad and told him which company we were with and when he should expect us. As in, call the cops if we're not back soon. Dad was asleep.

The drivers chatted with us a bit, then cranked up what appeared to be one of their favorite songs. Do you girls like Arabic pop music?

Mom shot me a very knowing look. Then, in her sweetest voice, said well to be honest, I haven't heard much of the Arabic pop music, but it seems very nice!

Oh God.

They chuckled, and then turned up the music even louder.

The next stretch of the "cab" ride was actually pretty easy. They had put our address into the GPS, so we all just kind of stayed quiet, perhaps pondering the differences in our music tastes. But then we got back into the West Hills. Unless you've lived in the West Hills, it's hard to understand that there are only certain roads you should take when it's icy out.

So when they started to turn onto 27th, Mom and I both told them to take Hamilton instead. It's one block further, but far less steep. They discussed amongst each other, then went ahead and turned onto 27th.

They thought we were trying to mess with them.

We made it halfway up the hill, then slid all the way back down. After two more attempts, our drivers finally turned around and asked what is this "Hamilton" that we speak of. We directed them to the most favorable streets. After getting stuck a couple more times and having a group prayer to Jesus for strength (yes really), we finally made it home. It was like 2 in the morning.

We had made it!

Mistake #6: I go around to the back of the car to get Rudolpho the Pooh, and Mom gleefully prances into the house saying she's going to go grab some cash. I, knowing we needed to pay our drivers but also not wanting to stay out in the cold with them, followed Mom into the house.


Our drivers were not happy.

And then I realized, they had just taken us on what was probably the most treacherous drive of their lives, and now they thought we were going to stiff them. I would have been pissed, too. So I set Rudolpho the Pooh down in the snow and waited with them. For... a really long time.

It was so awkward.

We discussed, um, the weather. And the holidays. And then the two of them turned to each other and talked for about 5 minutes, signaling towards the house and towards me at various points in the conversation. What were they saying? Did they hate our holiday decorations? Did they hate me? Or should I have invited them inside for a nightcap?

And after a very long time- we have decided we like your reindeer.

The red neon light-up reindeer in the window. Did this really require 5 full minutes of consultation? I didn't question, just thanked them for the compliment.

Mom finally came back outside and gave these guys their money, and a very generous tip. They were good guys, yet the language barrier between us and them had made the whole situation very tense. And it made me feel like kind of a jackass for doubting them, when they were the only company who came through for us.

They handed me a huge stack of cards- you go out for New Year's- we take you.

I didn't call them, but I still have their card in my wallet.

And Mom and I? We went inside, and without a word, poured 2 bourbons.

My army

It's Thanksgiving.

Brutal truth: if you'd asked me one month ago where I thought I'd be today, I would have told you I'd be warm and cozy with my partner, planning a wedding.

I'm not.

We don't need to get into why today, because that's not what today is about. It's about taking stock in the beautiful things your life is filled with, not the ugly. So here's the thing I'm most thankful for- as soon as I made my decision about my relationship, an entire army of friends and family rushed to my side. They offered everything from hugs and kind words to bottles of vodka. But the most important offering was the thing that every one of them said- you did the right thing.

I did the right thing.

Not one person questioned my decision, or even asked me to think twice about it. They gave me the constant, unwavering support that helped me understand there would be something amazing waiting for me on the other side of this experience. Without them, I think I could have easily slipped back into a life that wasn't mine.

So on Thanksgiving, I'm calling out to those of you who have been standing next to me this last month. You know who you are. Today, you are what I'm thankful for. And I'm going to show you how thankful I am by living the life I was meant to live. Moving, no- running forward, and not looking back.

"The world is round
and the place which may seem like the end
may also be only the beginning."
~Ivy Baker Priest

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Do you believe in signs? I do. I've always asked for them when I'm not sure what to do. Or even when I am sure. Always.

I asked for a sign about my relationship. I asked for one every day. And you know what? I totally got one every day. In the form of avoidance and lies. Distance. Reservation. They were backwards, but they were still signs. And somehow, I didn't think this was obvious enough. I ignored what God, or the universe, or... what HE was telling me.

There were so many signs. I asked for them, but wasn't really looking for them. Now I see.

So after all this, I've resolved to keep my eyes open. To go where the wind blows me, if you will.

A couple weeks ago, I began pondering the idea of moving home to save money for grad school, or wherever I end up going. That day, my doorbell rang. It was a man, who asked me if anyone in my complex happened to be renting out their condo. Aha! The slap in the face I needed!

...Actually, I think at this point maybe God was trying to comment on my inability to recognize subtlety in the ways of the world.

But anyway, I knew if I didn't rent my condo to this guy, I may never find my true path in life. Done deal. Him and his wife are moving in next month.

And me? Selling all my stuff. Downsizing in a major way. In a few months, I might get into school. Or I might just start traveling and not come back. But either way, I won't be sorry I gave up my home and my belongings. It's what was supposed to happen.

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster,

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three beloved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

-- Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (Write it!) a disaster.

Elizabeth Bishop